I do my best to be chipper, really I do but sometimes life gets the better of me and I am prone to either a short temper which leaves me snapping at everyone over the smallest of things or I retreat in to myself completely and barely say a word. I’m putting it down to a mixture of hormones at various points in the month as well as the pressures of still not being in work, dealing with eating disorder recovery 24/7 and not sleeping brilliantly but it’s pretty handy to be able to at least warn people they might not quite get the reaction they are expecting from me.
This was actually a really hard outfit for me to photograph- aforementioned eating disorder recovery is taking it’s toll and the struggle with seeing changes in my body [of which I know are further grossly exaggerated in my head due to the nature of the beast] has left my body confidence at rock bottom. Still, it has to be done and I can’t go backwards so I’m determined to keep on wearing the things I want to wear and not give in to the urges to hide behind baggy dresses and jumpers all of the time- although of course they have their time and place!
It’s a hard journey and harder still when you can’t explain to anyone why after 15 years this still torments you. Why you’ve been signed off from work for almost a year knowing exactly what you need to do to get back there [which you want more than anything else] and yet still struggle so much to do it. Having spent the majority of last year firmly in denial this year has seen a renewed determination and slowly but surely progress is being made. It feels fast, it feels scary and I’m not even sure why I’m writing about it on the blog, other than to serve as a reminder to myself but the end result will be worth it and this time there IS no going back. I have plans, things I want to achieve and there is no room for anorexia to be my side kick.
Apologies for getting so deep and personal once again, it happens from time to time and I did say I wanted to bring a bit more “real life” to the blog.
I suppose I should also apologise for all of the random people I’ve snapped at over the last few months, well, mostly. Friends and family please accept my sincerest apologies. Random people I encounter on a daily basis who seem to make it their life mission to wind me up? I’m so not sorry!