Swan Song

It’s big knit weather! I don’t know how we’ve suddenly zoomed to the middle of November, but here we are in all it’s cold and frosty glory. Now I’m properly back at work I’ve been able to indulge in a little bit of shopping and warm and cosy knits have been top of my list. Of course, Monki was my first port of call and I picked up an absolute gem.

Jumper: Monki (here) | Skirt: Pull and Bear (similar here) | Boots: Miista

I love a good print and this Swan jumper pretty much jumped off the hanger and in to my arms. It was quite the bargain at £25 and is the perfect balance of slouchy and warm. I love the look of a big knit teamed with a pleated midi skirt so pairing the jumper with my old faithful Pull and Bear number was instinctive. Finished off with my default black opaques and my bargain Miista boots which are now several years old and still a favourite this is exactly the kind of outfit I’m living in when not at work.

I’ve been saving hard and I’m hoping for another shopping trip in a few weeks time with my partner in crime, Mum. We’ve gone from seeing each other pretty much all day, every day to being like ships that pass in the night. Life has got so un-believably busy compared to this time last year, it’s still a bit like “pinch me” every time I take the time to sit back and reflect- from being signed off work, under threat of hospitalisation for anorexia and being utterly miserable to working in a new and exciting role, getting my health back and absolutely loving life. I never imagined I would be where I am right now and I wouldn’t change it for the world (except for factoring in Mum time). I certainly never dreamed I’d be in a loving and supportive relationship, or joint owner of a little kitten- a post to come on that one!

Where are you loving for knitwear right now? In a fit of madness I got rid of a lot of jumpers last year so I’m on a mission to have a major wardrobe upgrade.

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The Scotland Photo Post

I’ve been home for almost two weeks now and I’m only just finding the time to put up some of the photos from my holiday to Scotland with Bob. I haven’t got as far as getting any words to go with the post, life has been going 100mph since my return, but take a moment to sit back and take in the beautiful scenery of the North West Highlands alongside a few gratuitous selfies of the boy and I.
In a way this is a bit of a filler post, as mentioned up-post there just hasn’t been much time for anything but work and living my life in a way it hasn’t been lived in many a year. Fingers crossed I’m getting myself more organised from now and there will be some more quality and consistent content coming your way- bet you’re all on the edge of your seats with excitement!

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Baring all with Quiz Clothing

2017 has been the first year in a considerable while where I haven’t had a wedding or other special event to go to. I still love a cheeky browse of occasion dresses though, especially as one of my cousins got engaged at the weekend so there is definitely at least one wedding on the horizon.

I was recently contacted by Quiz Clothing who matched me with the dreamiest, most stunning dress- and whilst it might be a bit OTT for a wedding I’m very much hoping that I can find some cause to wear this other than prancing around the garden.

Dress c/o Quiz Clothing (here) | Shoes: Mary Portas at Clarks (old)

If I were shopping for a dress then nude wouldn’t be a colour I’d usually consider, I’d long ago dismissed it as a bit…naked looking if I’m honest and not something that would suit me.
Popping this sequin adorned maxi dress on though and I’m converted. For the time it took to get these photos I felt like a complete princess- I wish it was acceptable to dress like this every day!

The process of getting these photos did stir up a few conflicting feelings though. As I said, this dress really does make me feel like a princess but at the same time it clings, it sticks to curves I’m only just starting to see appear. It hammers home just how much my body has changed in the last few months and of course that is a bittersweet moment.

My main issue right now is that I’m only about 50 percent of the way through the weight gain process, but in my mind, thanks to the twisted grasp of an eating disorder I’m already there and beyond. Putting on an outfit like this can really play havoc with that mindset and it’s actually taken a huge amount of courage to post these photos due to how I see them vs. how I’m assured the rest of the world (well, my readers) will see them.

And still I persist. Onwards and onwards to a life where I don’t care that my arms aren’t stick like, that my stomach isn’t concave and my face is fuller. In the past I’ve always had in the back of my mind that if I don’t feel good at my target weight I can always go back- as warped as that sounds. This time I don’t have that. This time it’s final and I refuse to entertain ever going backwards again. It’s making this whole journey that much more difficult whilst I’m going through it- but the future? MY future? That excites me in ways I can’t even begin to explain.

Back in to the world of fashion & shopping now and I am absolutely loving some of the new arrivals on the Quiz Clothing website. I’ve always advocated them on the blog but right now there is literally SO much I want- if you’re looking for affordable and on trend wardrobe updates then do pop along and check them out…as you can see, they’re particularly good for a fancy dress or two.

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Ruffle Up

New season styles are hitting the shops and on my recent foray in to town, despite being reluctant to buy anything from the Autumn/Winter collections because it’s supposedly still Summer I couldn’t resist the lure of some quite trans-seasonal pieces from Zara. I have a love-hate relationship with Zara, it’s one of those shops where I go in sometimes and find absolutely nothing, and then I go in perhaps a few weeks later and love everything I see.
My last visit to the Cabot Circus store saw me fall in love with just about every item (including these rather fabulous trousers which I’d never wear, but if I was rich I’d buy them just to look at!). This blue dress with it’s sporty aesthetic and ruffle detail front isn’t the sort of thing I’d ever consider but the bright colour jumped out and me and I figured I had nothing to lose by trying it on.

Sometimes it pays to step out of your comfort zone. I love the relaxed fit of this dress and it’s bold colour combination. I couldn’t resist jazzing it up further with my pink Puma trainers- the perfect way to liven up those dull and dreary days that seem to be coming ever more frequent.

This was one of two pieces I picked up from Zara, the other I will eventually get round to posting when I ever get some spare time. Life is very busy right now, hence the sudden decline in the amount of posts I’ve been putting up. It’s not going to get any better for the next few weeks- a new venture at work and then a week away in Scotland with my boyfriend are both going to get in the way. But I wouldn’t change it for the world- I spent 2016 quite literally on hold with my life and now things are picking up it feels full on, but also that I’m making up for lost time.

Hopefully by mid-September things will be calming down and I might even be feeling more inspired when it comes to content for the blog. If you have any suggestions of what you’d like to see then do feel free to leave them in the comments, I’m all for out-sourcing my ideas.

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Recovery Update: Smashing Goals*

It’s been a while since I did an update on my journey through anorexia recovery and given that things are going well I thought it was an opportune time.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of progress…I don’t know how, or what has suddenly changed inside my head but the goals that once seemed insurmountable are now well within my grasp.

The whole way through this I’ve had goals in my mind that I’ve wanted to achieve. To other people they might seem tiny, normal, everyday things that you wouldn’t even think twice about. To me and the way my illness manifests itself though they are huge and at times felt like they might never be tackled.

I’ve invested in a “positive mental attitude” approach to all meals and snacks. Instead of putting up a fight and resisting it I’ve decided to try and get excited and it’s such a liberating feeling. Looking forward to trying something new and not dreading it? How novel! It’s made normal chores like the food shop so much easier (and quicker) and I’m now regularly enjoying things like pizza, something that I love but would never had admitted to even a few weeks ago.

I’m also letting go of rules and ideals about what I eat. Meat is becoming a bigger part of my diet as the weeks go on- vegetarianism has always been an excuse for me up until recently I tied myself up in knots about whether I was avoiding meat for proper, founded reasons or if I was just looking for an excuse to exclude a food group. I’m not the biggest meat eater in the world and never have been but allowing myself chicken, pork, turkey, ham (and more) again has opened up so many new avenues for me and I’m excited to expand my culinary horizons more.

One other goal I had was to eat something I had baked myself. We all know that I love to bake but up until now it’s only ever been for other people. I decided to change that recently, I eased myself back in by making something healthy- carrot and pineapple muffins which were packed full of fresh ingredients, nuts and healthy oils and enjoyed them, both the making and the eating process.

Of course it’s not all sunshine and rainbows and the struggles are still very much there on a daily basis, especially around weight gain (why does it always feel so fast and so noticeable?) and often the amount of food I eat/what percentage is “good” food vs. “bad” food (although I don’t really believe there is any such definition) and there are many things I want to be doing right now that I just can’t and that frustrates me no end. But I’m more positive and happier than I’ve been in a good couple of years- both mentally and physically. I’ve made more progress in the last three months, co-incidentally since I met my boyfriend, than I made in the last twelve months put together. I’m on an intense but constructive course of therapy and I finally believe that a) I am capable of getting better and b) that for once I’ll be able to sustain good health when I get there.

I’m 30 years old. I can’t keep going through the up and down rollercoaster of recovery and relapse. I for once have things I want to achieve in life, and believe I can achieve. I’m developing my self worth and I’m bloody excited for the future.

I’ll pop in more sporadic updates as the journey progresses, it just felt like the right time to pour all of these thoughts out in to this very public space. All along my blog has been a sort of record of achievement and if nobody minds then I’d quite like to keep it that way.

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