What next?

The photos in this post were taken so long ago, I don’t even remember when; probably sometime between my birthday and when we went on holiday, but I can’t be sure.
So much has changed since then, it’s crazy. I feel like I’ve reached yet another turning point, and whilst it isn’t all plain sailing, I’m loving it.

Life:
Life has been so chaotic since we got back from America. First there was the jet-lag (which was far worse than I could ever have predicted). Then we had busy weekends with family and friends, celebrating our engagement and attending a truly fabulous wedding.
We’ve had a couple of more relaxed weekends recently, and I had a week off work which I used to re-charge, and I’m starting to learn it’s ok to rest as much as it is ok to be frantically busy all of the time. It’s ok to feel like you have no time to do anything, to fall behind on the housework and then be so exhausted all you can do is vegetate. I’ve learnt to accept that things can’t be perfect all of the time, and most importantly I am learning to deal with the anxiety that provokes.

Home life is fantastic, our little rented house feels like a proper home at last, and Pablo, Bob and I make a great little unit.
Pablo continues to keep us on our toes, his most recent escapade being falling out of our bedroom window. Thankfully he suffered little more than a busted too which required a minor op, but he is the poster child for why pet insurance is crucial!

Wedding:
Somehow we’ve been engaged for 10 weeks! I’m still in a slight state of disbelief- I never thought I’d find the person I truly can’t imagine my life without, but here I am, ring on my finger and totally clueless as to where to start!
We’ve been asked loads when the wedding will be- a couple of years yet! We’re looking at Autumn 2021 to give us time to save and plan. I might sound stupid here, but I had no idea just how expensive weddings were! I knew they were costly but it seems everything is mega money and we really don’t want to get in to debt for our big day.
We have a couple of venue ideas in mind, but that’s about it as far as plans go. Of course I’ve looked online at dresses and shoes and all of the super girly bits- egged on by one very excited mother of the bride! Bob and I have put together a rough guest list and over the coming weeks hopefully we’ll get a bit more of a solid plan in to place so we know just how much of our hard earned cash we need to stash away.

I’ll gladly welcome any and all wedding planning tips, I truly find the whole thing baffling!

Mental Health & Recovery:
It wouldn’t be a sit down and ramble about life post without touching on my mental health and recovery.
In short, things are great. I can’t remember a time in my adult life when I have every been happier, things have steadily been getting better since meeting Bob two and a half years ago, but recently things seem to have fallen in to place a little bit more.

Anorexia wise I am probably the most “normal” I have ever been since first becoming unwell at the age of 15. It’s been a 17 year uphill battle but finally I have hope that I can beat this for good.
Recently I’ve been enjoying the things that many people will take for granted- eating lunch and snacks with colleagues rather than going to sit out in the rain, or going without because I couldn’t stand others seeing me eat. I have enjoyed fancy meals at lovely restaurants, and surprised Bob by suggesting meals or snacks that have previously been off the cards. When we first met there were about three dinners we rotated between…now we do have our regular favourites, but we have variety and normality in the cooking process; using oil, letting someone cook for me and serve up for me. Flexibility and freedom.
There is still a way to go, kinks to iron out, challenges to embrace and that ever present last little bit of weight restoration (for long-term health and potential baby carrying). I still get stressed by food at times, cry over things that may seem trivial, but I am well and truly winning, helped along the way by some fantastic books around intuitive eating (please say if you’d like more on this as I could write a post).

In terms of general mental health things are looking good too. I had a bad week last week where my mood took a random dip and anxiety ruled, but I’ve bounced back and recovered. I’m working on reducing medications, find I can do more and more that previously would have been impossible- two lots of drinks with colleagues/friends in a week? No problem! Speaking my mind in a difficult situation? Why not!

I don’t know what prompted this post, but it’s been therapeutic to write it. I’ve been in a bit of a blogging slump lately but I’m starting to break free of it and hopefully can make this a place I am proud to call my own again.

High fives and a chocolate finger to anyone who made it this far! Until next time…



Is it actually Spring yet?

How gorgeous is the weather right now guys? I can’t help but feel cautiously optimistic that Spring has sprung, although having lived in this country for the best part of 32 years now I know it could all change by tea time.

I’ve been sat on these photos for a while, unsure if could bring myself to post them. I appear to have found myself in hyper self critical mode again, and when I’m not overthinking every inch of my body my thoughts have turned to facial expression, my hair, my everything.

So what’s finally made me do it? Well, to be honest I just wanted to post something that wasn’t a review and reflects what I’ve been wearing lately. I picked up this dress on ASOS a few weeks ago whilst on a desperate mission for some new work clothes; all of sudden it felt like everything I owned was too tight and that I had gone up three sizes overnight. Turns out that wasn’t the case, but it’s scary how I could physically feel a difference that wasn’t there. Eating disorder recovery isn’t all about re-discovering food and living happily ever after; even being so close to the finish line it’s amazing what anorexia can make you believe.

I ended up buying two dresses from the Vero Moda brand and I think they might be my new go-to. They both fitted exactly as I needed them too (skimming over my perceived bloated belly) whilst still looking smart- this poppy printed version can easily be dressed up for an evening too, and is perfect for this between seasons kind of dressing.
I’m currently signed off work for a week with a rather nasty flare of sciatica, the likes of which I haven’t had since pre back surgery. It’s not much fun and seems to have been made that much worse by the fact I’m bloody terrified that the enforced inactivity might make me balloon further.

I’m finding recovery almost impossible to fathom at the moment. I’ve come so far but I truly feel like overcoming these last hurdles might break me.
On the flip side to that, I’m using all of my mental and physical capacity to push on through; with the holiday of a lifetime coming up soon and so many exciting plans for after that I know I can’t afford to give up.

I’ll always be able to find new clothes, like this dress to flatter and conceal a body I am not yet used to and not quite ready to love. You can’t buy true health though, nor the things that achieving it will bring.

I have no idea where all of this mental overspill has come from, but hey, I have a new dress and I love it- admire away and feel free to have skipped the babble!

Hit Refresh

Is there anything better than a fresh hair colour to pull you out of a funk? Finding this perfect red shade via my local hairdresser a couple of years ago marked a real turning point for me; it became the shade that signified re-finding my confidence after a hellish few years, and getting back out there in to the real world and embracing recovery with everything I had.

Last weekend, determined to pull me out of my January blues, Bob packed me off to the salon (he kinda owed me after telling me he’d never seen me with so many grey hairs) and I came home re-vitalised and ready to plough on through these last few kilos of weight restoration and turn my life in to something even more fulfilling than it already is.

I picked this dress up in the & other stories sale after Christmas. Still an extravagant purchase for me, but I couldn’t leave it behind. It’s exactly the kind of thing the true me loves to wear, and being all floaty and forgiving it’s perfect for those all too frequent days where body image isn’t my best friend.
And so far this refresh is working, it’s not easy, in fact this is probably the hardest phase of recovery from an eating disorder. My BMI is no longer wedged far down in to the underweight category, and arguably I don’t look underweight in the slightest. I live in silent fear of being judged for my decision to add another 5kg to my frame despite knowing I’m doing it to enable all the things I still want to achieve to happen.

Time is ticking and I know that if I want to start a family, if I want to live the rest of my life in a world where I don’t count every calorie or scrutinise every menu within an inch of it’s life I need to do this. And what’s shameful about wanting to be the best version of myself I can possibly be? What’s so wrong about wanting to have a healthy figure that has the energy and strength to start running again, or embrace the great outdoors and go on long hikes or bike rides with my boyfriend or my friends and family?

I couldn’t resist adding in this picture of Pablo and I, taken in one of his rare co-operative moments. It’s hard to believe he ever fitted in to the palm of my hand, or nestled in to my neck when we first met him at 8 weeks old. He’s a right little character who keeps us on our toes- he’s obsessed with foil, meows relentlessly at the fridge for slices of cooked chicken, he’s destroyed every toy we’ve bought him and makes our living room look like a toddler tornado has run through it. But he’s the sweetest, most sociable little creature and yet another addition to my life that simply wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t hit refresh two and a half years ago.

Surviving January

Whichever way you look at it, January is a pretty shit month. The festive anticipation of Christmas is long past, we’re all skint, all bloated and the days are long, grey and pretty miserable. I’ve never really noticed myself suffering from “January Blues” though, not until this year and even then I wasn’t acutely aware of it until I broke down in tears in the middle of taking these photos; which primarily were to show off my awesome new Dr Martens that Bob bought me for Christmas.

Jumper: Pull&Bear (similar) | Jeans: Joy | Boots: Dr Martens (still in stock in a couple of sizes at Footasylum)

So what triggered this melt down? Well, turns out being in recovery from anorexia, being so close to your goal but still a few kilos away, struggling massively with body image but naively in a bubble of “I’m fixed now” is really fucking tough when every one around you is talking about how much weight they want to lose, what diet they are on and which foods they are avoiding like the plague.

I’m not usually one to be affected by this kind of chat, so I was genuinely taken aback by just how rubbish it was making me feel. My body image has been precarious for a while. My perception of the need to gain further weight is skewed out of all recognition. I’ve been dragging my feet, lulled in to a false sense of security and honestly thought I was invisible to everything.

Turns out I’m not. I’m human, and being human is hard sometimes.

Add in to the mix the general dip in mood that most of the country is probably feeling right now and it’s really no wonder I had a rare shedding of tears. I’m not a crier by nature. I hate showing vulnerability or that I can’t cope with a situation, but that Saturday morning I sat on the living room floor and poured my heart out to a somewhat baffled looking Bob.

Bob, my rock and voice of reason. Between him and I we started to pick up the pieces (with a little help from my Mum) and slowly but surely we are getting back to some form of reality. I’m trying to treat this as a wake up call, that I’m not as fixed as I perhaps thought I was. That I have been dragging my feet. That I do need to keep up this journey. That I should stop obsessing over what other people might be thinking about me, my weight and my business and grit my teeth, pile up my plate and keep trucking towards the weight, and health that is right for me…I’m on my own kind of January diet and mission to get healthy and I can’t let fear of judgement put me off.

It’s all still very up and down, one minute I am feeling brave and strong and empowered, the next I’m in tears again or snapping at those around me because my head is just spinning with thoughts and I can’t stop it. I’m one of life’s over thinkers and planners and we’ve a few things on the horizon that are out of my control and my head is struggling to cope.

It’s taken me ten days to even get around to thinking about writing this post. Encouraged by Bob not to sugar coat and just talk about my shoes (which are amazing, right? Boy has good taste!) I’ve shared a lot of my personal life in the past, but these days not to much. Again, fear and overthinking stops my honesty and that isn’t right. If people don’t want to see this side of life then they don’t have to read my blog, but actually, the process of writing this post has been therapeutic for me and that in itself makes it worthwhile.
I’m not entirely sure how to round this up. I have no profound statement, nor have I reached any stunning conclusion. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring in terms of motivation or ability, all I know is that I have come this far, my life has changed beyond all recognition, and it’s ok to find that hard sometimes, to struggle to adjust and comprehend both what lies behind me, and all that is still ahead.

Even as I write this I’m considering whether to press publish or not. I think I will because this is me right now, and this blog can serve as a reminder of how it’s not all rainbows and unicorns. Tear stained photos that I kind of hate, messy hair, scruffy outfit. That’s how my January looks right now.

Maybe there will be most posts like this in 2019, maybe there won’t. For now I’m ending with a link to this article which may help or resonate anyone else recovering from an eating disorder whilst surrounded by January’s diet culture.

I think I’ll end with an apology for this big massive non-sensical brain dump. I have big plans for the blog this year, to be commenced once I pull myself out of this pit.

Losing the fear of being judged by others

For as long as I can remember a fear of being judged by other people has held me back. I never spoke out at school, always tried to fit in with the norm and stopped myself accepting many opportunities that have come my way purely because I was so anxious about what other people might think of me that it was just easier to say no.

For the most part I’m much better with this these days. I’ve learnt to trust in my ability, and my opinion and don’t hold back anywhere near as much as I used to. I’ve gone from isolating myself and not socialising to pushing myself to interact and go to things…it’s not perfect, but a far cry from how it used to be.

There is however, one huge area where this fear of judgement holds me back, and that is my weight. I’ve had an eating disorder for 16 years and whilst weight loss was more of a side-effect of the over-riding control issues I’ve always struggled massively with getting back to a healthy weight.
For ages now I’ve had my head buried firmly in the sand about being done with weight gain. The fact is I still have a few kilos left to restore to be at optimum health and my main barrier to gaining them? As shallow as it sounds, it’s what other people might think of me.

Tee: Monki | Skirt and Shoes: ASOS

It’s only now that I’m really, really ready to let go of the final shackles this illness holds over me that I realise how much this has been holding me back. Forever fearful that if I gain those last few kilos I’ll be seen as greedy, as having “let myself go” and that people will wonder why on earth I’ve made a conscious decision to gain weight when I’m no longer in a position where it’s medically critical.

I’ve done a lot of thinking on the matter and I’ve realised how futile it is to restrict my life based on my perception of what other people may think.
If someone were to judge for for getting to the healthiest place I can be, ready to live the rest of my life then which one of us has the real problem here?

In the last year my life has expanded infinitely more than my waist line. I’ve found true love, I’ve thrived at work, I’ve had more freedom than I’ve ever known and it’s all still growing. With driving, moving in with my boyfriend, and hopefully in a couple of years starting a family all on the cards – not to mention the more minor things like finally being able to exercise again, to order cake when I’m out for coffee with friends without caring about the calories not being allotted to my day…all things I haven’t done for so many years it’s frustrating to know, and to finally realise and accept that I’m the one who has been holding me back all along.

And in recent weeks I am slowly learning to let go, and writing this blog post pays a big part in this. This public declaration that I’m not done with gaining weight, that yes, I will still share outfit photos and over the coming weeks and months you will witness me return to full health and full strength- this is a massive mile stone in my recovery. Even as I type this post I feel myself wanting to delete it, for fear of what my readers and my friends might think.
It’s not an easy process and not an hour goes by at the moment where I don’t question if this is right, if I can do this, if I even want this (of course I do). Fear of weight gain goes hand in hand with this and the thought of seeing the scales creep up and my clothes getting snugger fills me with a fear that I can’t even begin to explain. But finally, the fear of not living the life I want- never getting married, never having children, compromising my relationship over-rides that fear by a mile.
No more lies, no more excuses. This is a commitment to myself and to my future with Bob, my love for my family and finally not having that constant feeling of what someone else might be thinking about me- or at not letting that thought jeopardise what I do.

This is my two fingers up to fear of being judged. Finally I have a life I love, albeit still restricted by restriction and the only way to see it grow and flourish further is to grow and to flourish myself.

end