Recovery Update: Smashing Goals*

It’s been a while since I did an update on my journey through anorexia recovery and given that things are going well I thought it was an opportune time.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of progress…I don’t know how, or what has suddenly changed inside my head but the goals that once seemed insurmountable are now well within my grasp.

The whole way through this I’ve had goals in my mind that I’ve wanted to achieve. To other people they might seem tiny, normal, everyday things that you wouldn’t even think twice about. To me and the way my illness manifests itself though they are huge and at times felt like they might never be tackled.

I’ve invested in a “positive mental attitude” approach to all meals and snacks. Instead of putting up a fight and resisting it I’ve decided to try and get excited and it’s such a liberating feeling. Looking forward to trying something new and not dreading it? How novel! It’s made normal chores like the food shop so much easier (and quicker) and I’m now regularly enjoying things like pizza, something that I love but would never had admitted to even a few weeks ago.

I’m also letting go of rules and ideals about what I eat. Meat is becoming a bigger part of my diet as the weeks go on- vegetarianism has always been an excuse for me up until recently I tied myself up in knots about whether I was avoiding meat for proper, founded reasons or if I was just looking for an excuse to exclude a food group. I’m not the biggest meat eater in the world and never have been but allowing myself chicken, pork, turkey, ham (and more) again has opened up so many new avenues for me and I’m excited to expand my culinary horizons more.

One other goal I had was to eat something I had baked myself. We all know that I love to bake but up until now it’s only ever been for other people. I decided to change that recently, I eased myself back in by making something healthy- carrot and pineapple muffins which were packed full of fresh ingredients, nuts and healthy oils and enjoyed them, both the making and the eating process.

Of course it’s not all sunshine and rainbows and the struggles are still very much there on a daily basis, especially around weight gain (why does it always feel so fast and so noticeable?) and often the amount of food I eat/what percentage is “good” food vs. “bad” food (although I don’t really believe there is any such definition) and there are many things I want to be doing right now that I just can’t and that frustrates me no end. But I’m more positive and happier than I’ve been in a good couple of years- both mentally and physically. I’ve made more progress in the last three months, co-incidentally since I met my boyfriend, than I made in the last twelve months put together. I’m on an intense but constructive course of therapy and I finally believe that a) I am capable of getting better and b) that for once I’ll be able to sustain good health when I get there.

I’m 30 years old. I can’t keep going through the up and down rollercoaster of recovery and relapse. I for once have things I want to achieve in life, and believe I can achieve. I’m developing my self worth and I’m bloody excited for the future.

I’ll pop in more sporadic updates as the journey progresses, it just felt like the right time to pour all of these thoughts out in to this very public space. All along my blog has been a sort of record of achievement and if nobody minds then I’d quite like to keep it that way.

end

7 comments for “Recovery Update: Smashing Goals*

  1. I loved reading this – and I’m grinning like the cheshire cat. Weight gain doesn’t get any easier (I won’t lie) but look forward to a time for when you don’t even step on the scales because that is one of the best milestones xxx

  2. You are amazing and I’m so pleased things are going well

    Maria xxx

  3. So glad things are working out much better for you now, you truly deserve it xoxo

  4. Agnes

    It’s funny, I think we’re in a very similar place with it all. I’ve come on a lot in the last three months too, which I put down to my son. I think it’s something about seeing a kids relationship with food and him just eating what he liked without thinking about it, which caused me to rethink and reevaluate my own approach.

    Also it’s interesting you mentioned the vegetarianism, I’m sort of like that with being a fussy eater, I’ve recently had to question whether I’m just fussy, or searching for excuses to cut things out of my diet…

    I’m struggling with the weight gain side too, because I can see it in myself, and I do get the ‘looking well’ comments, which are a complete mental minefield. I keep reminding myself that people are just being encouraging, and failure is staying sick, not gaining weight.

    It’s always nice to know how you’re doing, and it’s your blog after all. Write what you like :)

    Xx

  5. This was such a lovely update to read, you are doing amazingly! Glad the therapy has been useful and that your bf has been supportive too. Those muffins look amazing btw! Liz x

  6. Velvet Blush

    I’m so glad that you’re feeling much better, and you’re happy with your progress! Wishing you all the best, you’re doing so well :) xx

    Velvet Blush

  7. Ah well done, you’re amazing! So glad things are getting better, I’m sure it can’t be easy so you should be super proud. You’ve got this Laura! x

    What Josie Did Next

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