Jumper: Pull&Bear (similar) | Jeans: Joy | Boots: Dr Martens (still in stock in a couple of sizes at Footasylum)
I’m not usually one to be affected by this kind of chat, so I was genuinely taken aback by just how rubbish it was making me feel. My body image has been precarious for a while. My perception of the need to gain further weight is skewed out of all recognition. I’ve been dragging my feet, lulled in to a false sense of security and honestly thought I was invisible to everything.
Turns out I’m not. I’m human, and being human is hard sometimes.
Add in to the mix the general dip in mood that most of the country is probably feeling right now and it’s really no wonder I had a rare shedding of tears. I’m not a crier by nature. I hate showing vulnerability or that I can’t cope with a situation, but that Saturday morning I sat on the living room floor and poured my heart out to a somewhat baffled looking Bob.
Bob, my rock and voice of reason. Between him and I we started to pick up the pieces (with a little help from my Mum) and slowly but surely we are getting back to some form of reality. I’m trying to treat this as a wake up call, that I’m not as fixed as I perhaps thought I was. That I have been dragging my feet. That I do need to keep up this journey. That I should stop obsessing over what other people might be thinking about me, my weight and my business and grit my teeth, pile up my plate and keep trucking towards the weight, and health that is right for me…I’m on my own kind of January diet and mission to get healthy and I can’t let fear of judgement put me off.
It’s taken me ten days to even get around to thinking about writing this post. Encouraged by Bob not to sugar coat and just talk about my shoes (which are amazing, right? Boy has good taste!) I’ve shared a lot of my personal life in the past, but these days not to much. Again, fear and overthinking stops my honesty and that isn’t right. If people don’t want to see this side of life then they don’t have to read my blog, but actually, the process of writing this post has been therapeutic for me and that in itself makes it worthwhile.
I’m not entirely sure how to round this up. I have no profound statement, nor have I reached any stunning conclusion. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring in terms of motivation or ability, all I know is that I have come this far, my life has changed beyond all recognition, and it’s ok to find that hard sometimes, to struggle to adjust and comprehend both what lies behind me, and all that is still ahead.
Even as I write this I’m considering whether to press publish or not. I think I will because this is me right now, and this blog can serve as a reminder of how it’s not all rainbows and unicorns. Tear stained photos that I kind of hate, messy hair, scruffy outfit. That’s how my January looks right now.
Maybe there will be most posts like this in 2019, maybe there won’t. For now I’m ending with a link to this article which may help or resonate anyone else recovering from an eating disorder whilst surrounded by January’s diet culture.
Oh Laura, you’ve done so well. I always admire your frank posts about how difficult things can get but I know so many people will take strength and inspiration from you. Sometimes it all gets a bit much and builds up. I imagine how surprised Bob must have been to see you cry.
But you’re on your own mission, everyone is one theirs but no-ones really can be the same.
January does suck. But you’ll get there. xx
Stay strong girl you’re doing so well, it’s so tough because you think you’ve reached a healthy mindset and you’ve healed then something completely random will trigger you off and you wonder what’s the point… but try not to concern yourself with the now but the journey, you’ve done amazing and will continue to fight because you deserve to be healthy and happy! Also those boots are amazing hehe xoxo
Hi Laura,
Your post really resonated with me, although the me ten years ago. I had just spent six month in an eating disorder clinic to help me recover from Anorexia. I had been working so hard for the six months and gaining steadily and then exactly on my last day when I had my exit interview I had such a massive wobble. I was crying and panicking that I’ve not done enough and hadn’t reached my goal BMI. In the weeks that followed I was so abscess with not missing a meal, eating enough and at the specific time and felt like a massive failure when I had slightly varied my routine. In time and with the help of my darling boyfriend I learnt to trust myself and my good intentions and to understand that as getting Anorexia is a process, so is recovering from it. I had lived with mine for 20 years before I was diagnosed. Now years later, I can say that my fears and bad days at the time probably made me even more determined not to slip back into bad habits, but also helped me to accept being less that perfect. Because a massive part of Anorexia is that need for perfection. So bad days, good days, bring them on!!
I think if I could share something with you that helped me it’s that- concentrate on the big picture and learn to accept small perceived or real set backs as part of the package to becoming more imperfect but also more you!
Sending lots of strength and hugs from someone that knows how you feel.
Leannan
You are such a brave and beautiful soul gorgeous goddess and I will admire you in a million ways, always. What first drew me to your blog was your stunning nature, fabulous fashion looks and gorgeous heart; I loved how you spoke your mind with a courageous honesty that’s hard to find. These are the same reasons why I still adore your blog to this day, always will! Bob sounds like a true gem, you guys so deserve each other! Keep your head high sunshine babe, I’m so proud of you and I wish all the happiness your way for 2019 ♥︎
Sophie xo
You are doing amazingly. Truly. I’m so thankful for the progress you’ve made, having been reading your blog for almost 10years (I think I first read it in 2009 or 10. Yes, you had a wobble but it hasn’t set you back to the start. You are a different person now, stronger and more determined. As the above commenter said, concentrate on the big picture, cos that’s the main thing, don’t worry. And I’m so glad for Bob, he’s your rock and he will support you through it all.x