Once upon a time I used to thrive on being physically fit and active. My favourite past times included going for a run or hitting the gym with a friend and I felt much better for it. Certainly much better than I do right now, never in my life have I felt so out of shape. Partly I blame the mental process of recovery from an eating disorder. My body is still repairing and weight hasn’t yet re-distributed properly – in fact I still haven’t finished restoring weight, and that in part is much of the problem. For the other part I’m just much more sedentary these days and I miss that feeling of being strong and powerful. I spend my days at a desk 9-5 and the majority of my weekends on the sofa binging on netflix, cuddled up with Bob and the kitten. It’s not just my physical health that’s suffering with this either, my mental health has been more of a battle lately and I feel like a good dose of exercise induced endorphins will work wonders.

But where to start? Exercise is a tricky area when you’re at a somewhat precarious stage in your recovery- physically I’m much, much better than I was, but I’m not in the best physical shape even for starting exercise. No one really mentions the muscle damage that comes with malnutrition, the aches and pains and fatigue that lasts long after the restriction. Add in to that the fact I’m still a smoker, albeit much reduced, I haven’t been able to kick that crutch yet and the fact my bone density is borderline for osteoporosis…I’m going to have to start off small, no 10k runs or marathon training for me just yet- more of a gentle ease back in and build up strength with the more sedate sport of swimming, or some calming yoga.

Swimming is a catch-22 kind of activity for me. I know it’s brilliantly good for building up strength without putting additional pressure on bones. It’s also a good way to build up lung capacity and stamina. It’s something I so badly want to get in to, and yet the thought makes my blood run cold. For someone who massively struggles with body image the idea of being so exposed is terrifying. It doesn’t matter how much I try and tell myself that the only person concerned with how I look is me, it’s such a massive mental hurdle to over-come. Not just poolside too, the changing room poses as much of a threat to my sanity, which is why I’ve included dryrobe– not for it’s devilish good looks, but because it means I can negate the risk of exposure from the inevitable dropped towel in the changing room and generally feel a bit more concealed.

Now, Yoga I have far more trivial issues with. Firstly the availability of classes in my local area that don’t take place during the working day is dire. Secondly they are also extortionate (I guess a small, fairly rural town is a captive audience).
I’m also that person who gets the giggles in the middle of a class, or has the uncontrollable urge to break wind- I’m a classy lady, both of which are generally frowned upon during a serious session.Yoga at home would be the ideal solution to this, but I’m not disciplined enough. I tried it once, lasted all of two days then promptly found other things to do- without the structure of being at a class for a certain time, or having handed over cold hard cash to participate I just couldn’t keep it up.

So there we have my random diversion in to my current mental state and odd desire to get fit whilst being quite limited in what I can actually do.
The dream is to get back to moderate running, or some cardio and strength sessions at the gym, but I appreciate that for now I need to be kindest to my body and start small…if anyone has any advice, or can recommend some other low impact/gentle exercises or classes that might suit me then please, please do let me know in the comments.