Learning to Love

This was meant to be a simple outfit post, just like the ones I put up here every few days. The posts that come with blurry photographs (soon to be no more) and my take on personal style. Somehow this one ended up being a little more than that though, it’s funny how life teaches us lessons in the most un-expected ways.
Dress: Monki | Shoes: New Look | Tights: Primark
The last time I wore this dress I looked a little different. I had assumed, since then that by the time I had got to where I am now, weight wise that this dress wouldn’t fit, or would have been resigned to the “can’t possibly wear that anymore” section of my wardrobe.
So, you can imagine my surprise when I tried in on last week during a moment of curiosity. I was feeling strong and able to cope with the potential burst of self hatred that could follow, but it never arrived. Instead I realised that actually I really didn’t look bad. For the first time in years I looked in the mirror and didn’t automatically start picking flaws with what I saw.
I know I’m not perfect, I need to exercise, tone up (and stop smoking) but the foundations are there. Months of hard work and I finally have the basic structure to build on. It’s simply not possible when under-eating, or underweight. You don’t have the strength or energy and my thinking was so distorted that I couldn’t see any point when everything was a mess.
The last few months, as my weight has increased it’s like something has flipped. I can see clearly, think rationally and live a life outside of the confines of an eating disorder. For the first time in 11 and a half years I feel free, and practically normal. There’s a little way to go, but I’m pretty much there and I have no intention of ever slipping back. It’s not been easy, not by any means but it’s hands down the most satisfying thing I’ve achieved.
This body has been through a lot with me- starvation, neglect and near death experiences in the past, but more recently adventures, fun andΒ  back surgery (that came about from living a normal life). I’m glad my body is aΒ  fighter, it’s made me respect it more and I’m looking forward to the future. A future with a lot more Monki dresses in it.
Sorry for the step away from my usual posts, but you know…I just wanted to share. Many of you reading this have been through a large part of the journey with me, cheering me on the whole time- so thank you. Thank you for sticking by me.


25 comments for “Learning to Love

  1. Jenn Lewis

    This almost made me cry πŸ™‚ I’m so incredibly proud of you and you give me so much hope !

  2. You look fabulous my dear! We all believed in you and know how well deserved your new found confidence is. Keep up the good work πŸ™‚

  3. You look amazing! It was lovely to read this post. You should be very proud of yourself. I have a friend who is a recovering anorexic and I know how hard a journey it has been for her. Well done. Xx

  4. You have come so far and I am constantly in awe of what you have achieved. Keep up the good work! <3

    Maria xxx

  5. You look fab. It’s great to hear that you’re feeling positive and looking forward to a brand new chapter πŸ™‚

  6. Eileen Leavers

    This is such a positive, brave post. You look great, and I admire you for being so open and honest.

    Your dress is awesome, too. πŸ™‚ x


  7. I’m so glad that you did share, I often wonder how you are doing and reading this just made my day πŸ™‚

  8. I came close to real tears reading this Laura, I am SO happy for you and so incredibly proud of how far you’ve come, physically and mentally. The dress looks gorgeous and you rock it, and the best thing is that you KNOW you do!

    Keep up the good work lovely, life is all yours now πŸ™‚ xxx

  9. Sian

    You look fabulous and this was such a lovely post to read. You are amazing xx

  10. You look amazing and most importantly you know you look amazing, you’ve come so far and done so well I’m so happy for you xoxo

  11. I’m really glad you’ve been able to think like this. I wish I knew how.

  12. And proud you should be Laura. What a journey you have had and now you not only look amazing, but seem incredibly happy too. You really have come a long way. Huge hugs (gentle for your back mind!)

    X x

  13. Absolutely love that dress – Monki is an ultimate fave of mine! xx

  14. You look amazing! Well done on your great progress. xxx

  15. Your Monki brand dress is beautiful. I love the colourful artistic print. You’re still very thin but it’s nice to see that you’re making progress with your E.D. and starting to develop a cute figure. Kudos for wanting to be healthy – giving up smoking should help a lot. Best of luck!

  16. I liked this post a lot! You really do look fantastic, Laura.x

  17. Jo

    What an amazing and up lifting post. I now work with teenagers with ed, and I would love to use this post as a positive example. Well done, you look amazing BTW xxx

  18. A fantastic dress and you look amazing in it! Feeling very inspired by your positive post and so pleased that everything is going so well for you Laura!

  19. What a lovely post, I hope that you continue to feel stronger each day πŸ™‚

  20. Liz

    That is so lovely to hear. You’ve done amazingly well… You’re an inspiration xxxx

  21. SO. Much. Love. for this. You look like hot stuff- even better than last time you posted, and I’m so happy for you to be feeling so good about everything right now.

  22. I have always known you was a fighter and never ever stopped admiring your courage and strength, even at the toughest times. I remember having tears in my eyes when I read you was waiting to be admitted to the hospital all those years ago. You are a survivor and you are beautiful, so beautiful and Benjamin is very lucky you have you xxx

  23. You look amazing. You ARE amazing Laura. Seriously <3

  24. I am so happy to read this, you wonderful person! You deserve all the love, happiness and contentment that is coming! X

  25. I only ever flick through your blog every so often, but I stumbled across this post and just wanted to say that beyond how you ‘look’ on a shallow level, you ‘look’ like a lady here and in your recent posts. Your blog now – you are a fully fledged fashionista (with a womanly bod to die for!) – where as your blog then, was kind of a little war against you and yourself, yes? Love you laura, you are awesome!